Grow over PAIN..

The blank page on my view,
Left me in a puzzle of blue,
What to say about my past,
Wishing every time to erase my memory fast.

Nothing much to explain and cheer about,
May be its the fear that has kept me behind the clouds,
Of guilt and blaming my destiny,
Why its always me who actually wants to flee.

To settle it once in for all,
Finally its the time to rise, and stop worrying about the fall.
Whats still keeping me buried in that lane..
Finally its time to grow above my pain...

A word called "PASSION".....commitment and dedication...

We grow up old believing in the truth of reality in front of our eyes,
No matter how many times your fall....what makes you the man is all those tries..
To achieve and be some one...instead of fading away ....
And as they say..there is no word as well begun..unless and untill is all said and done..

In the end its all the appreciation and respect you have for the one..
Who actually pushed you to the limit of killing yourself with a gun..
That instinct of going beyond what you have never felt..
The feeling of numbness is till the moment every thing is actually dealt..

You actually compare yourself with the same passion he has till the last run..

Is it enough ?

Sea of expectations has again hit a high tide of emotions..
Again and again its the explanations carrying the burden of situations..
Being silent at times reminds me of another face , which obviously is difficult to trace..
Battered and bruised ..but still haplessly trying to keep up with the pace..

I search in me for you...illusion ed in the belief of truth..
As it may appear and feel it to be silk smooth..
Behind the lines..lies a secret of desperation ...
Why am I actually still stuck deep in this position of repetition..

It may seam to be all over ...despite the fact I am anxiously waiting to be felt closer..
Sounds a pretty good deal to avoid a treason..admiring the pictures of what days those were..
Now all of it is left in me as a memory..buried deep inside....inching  for you to see...
There is much more than me to what you actually want with me..   

Death , the only answer for "ANY" CRIME AGAINST WOMEN....

Lost it some where...

Am I guilty of committing a crime of telling a truth of my expectations..

The other way could be to find them yourself..rather than me being stuck up with my hesitations..

I wished again for the cancellation of my wish..is actually in a fix of speaking the word "thanks" for a near miss..

Yes...I admit laughing at me..on me would have been much more than expecting a barter for a kiss..

Call it to be a re run of the previous situation...with me standing up her in a complex situation..

What ever is the word yes had a meaning....it was never with any reason of not having any feeling..

My writing have gone from complex to confused as I always sound like one these days...

Guess..If I could write them off from me....coming back to the old ways of scoring goals..

Is like standing up there infront of each other..with the thinking poles apart..

The only easier way could be digest your food with a big long fart..

People actually recon with handling the toughest of circumstances as an art..

Putting myself in the shoes of being close to that position....makes me feel..I am falling apart..

The question what I ask..if it was never there at start...then why do I still keep hanging up...

Perhaps I am greeted with the most awkward remark...of trying to make up for things every time I drop..

Explanations for the reactions pop when I move my face away from the wining combination...

For the rest of my life...I Ask "Will have to live with the face saving disgrace of not having any hesitation while consideration"??

Up here again...

To be reminded of the fact that "I lovED you"....is a strange on my part..
If I could correct the words...."I lovE you" was always there on the dart..
Needless to repeat it again in here....when you know inside its still not there..
How hard you try to isolate yourself from the world of expectations...I guess with love it always come in pairs..

With eyes close and heavy breath I try to find myself in the crowd..
You are no where in sight..perhaps we were not supposed to be here..
Forced to look on my wrist watch..to find a button to rewind..
For heavens sake I desperately need you before I turn blind..

Feelings are much more hard to express in this state..can barely count the day when we had our first date..
Comparisons are drawn up there on the wall...Which I am desperately trying to crawl..
Hoping against hope of making it up there...to restart my heart..
But I know the truth...may be I am happy this way sinking in slowly as a fading star..

Makes me realize the truth ..I will never be able to find the one to love the way I want..
Only left with the words to mock me on the simplicity of truth...
Explanations were never sufficient to kill the weight of my expectations...
Truth is.....it sank before it started...and as always culprit were the situations...

Complex as it gets....

With the expectations rising to a all time high of every situation...
I find myself in the most complex position of following a tradition...
Every time it is being review with twice the scrutiny...
As if I have been a part of or have committed a mutiny...

Just a simple silly wish to be with someone..
Is often branded with being "decisive" and too soon for the furore to begun..
Has often happened with me..at times..and the juice is simply not worth the squeeze..
But ultimately....you are never understood...usually mistaken and always forbidden..

Some times by the fate and the destiny...
This time it was new, as my own doubted the decision , could also be associated with the plea...
The result is by far too clearly visible..
What I expect is not from the heart....and now just a mere completion of task I wore...

Still do not understand how complex is the reaction of a "yes" or a "no" is..
May be me being too young for planting a kiss to my miss..
Just landed in the controversy from no where near associated to my hesitation...
Let me repeat the words if I may...Was an evening spent in the dream better than asking for a day..?? 

The 13th Rejection.....

.Don't know what it takes to pass the Sunday test in the gurudwara,
Guess what..now I really do believe ..I simply do not have that aura..
Of what it actually takes to clear the big hurdle...
With a history behind me...poking every time for reason "YOU" are here..

I can count the number of tears I roll down my eyes..
Crying like a poor lady..begging for a mercy and a big face of numerous "WHY'S"...
Perhaps this is my fate of so called being the most unwanted and neglected..
It feels as if "I" am some kinda pest who is actually all the more infected..

With a height so small..and body like a big roll..
Family being "so simple"...every one considered us "ORDINARY" out of the poll...
How can I forget the adjective infornt of my "HEAVY" beard...
Reading all this ..you might seem..I am all the more a bit weard..

The introspect of my rejection has been done numerous times...
Taking it easy... not close to the heart is now all repetitive lines...
What if..I wanted you to love me so badly..
I never usually give in to any one..keeping the cards up in close sadly..

This one got four extra lines than the usual stuff...
That's because..I am trying to hide the reason for my late night ourburst..
There is only one question to ask him ..are u not here listening my cries..
When every one around is kicking me up there like a lice..

The "Unwanted" words of being "NOT INTERESTED"......

The numerous rejections in the past have taught me think what it takes to be an "unwanted" one..
Uninvited....and foolish combined in one....looking at the world above you...making your fun...
Off course me standing at the receiving end...uttering those words that its not et all said and done..
Do you hear what I am saying in from there...or is it now you also want to go away and disappear..

I understand your position of fear from my subconscious obnoxious mind..
Most of the time it is this ..that had kept me grounded...looking away else were with a hope to bind..
So called dreams that were actually imagined in the past...yet foreseen..
The hesitation I understand.& so is your position,the truth is.its got all the way more filled with gloomy scenes

Staying afloat and hanging in there does not seem to be an option...
There seems no other way from here....being submerged in without my own oxygen..
Being stuck in the past and unable to move on is my only mistake..
Do I behave as if..I am dragging myself slowly back to the earth from my own moon with a handbag of fate..

I might not have the best shape...or the height or the looks or the money you ever wanted....
Its was an unconditional faith I had in you my one..perhaps that is the reason..I got this..
Simplest and easiest way is to utter the golden words with a phase to move on..
Just a request..of stand up in here with me....and try to repeat the golden word with the view from my eye of what I see....

Rewind yourself......to that hour of having FAITH...

I stand in here facing the wall...trying to figure out the emotions inside me...
Simply not able to see myself..Oh yes...thats the foolishness which describes my present state..that I am trying to set me free...
Moments repeat the lousy story again...me again trying my luck..what else....Is gifted by the pain I hope not in vain..
Perhaps I should never stop writing cursing myself ...of why I gave up on you...have to admit..I was actually never trained..

These were the most beautiful moments that I shared....I might not have been able great to actually explain..
With 90% of my brain occupied with you....and the rest equally distributed to come up with a line how much I love you in that frame..
Sweet as it may seem....obviously has an abrupt association with that face..
With me cursing my time.... and trying to simplify and understand the reason of coming out of that phase..

Cannot is the word I hear aloud around my ears....breaking the monotonous theme of being stuck in the river of destiny..
Have myself to explain and to refrain from going back to the previous state......of investing my oxygen to see.
The future of us together and forever.....such short lived will be my moment of truth..
You caught me off guard..when I was plucking the flower....thinking as my timely ripe fruit....

Sorry state of affairs still continue..taking me back from were I started my prayer to god..
Gift me with a reason if you are there ...challenging the existence of his creation with one word...
If you can listen to my lines and understand what I am going through...
Please ...I beg you to give me someone to love......as if my "ONE" has been specially made by you....