Grow over PAIN..

The blank page on my view,
Left me in a puzzle of blue,
What to say about my past,
Wishing every time to erase my memory fast.

Nothing much to explain and cheer about,
May be its the fear that has kept me behind the clouds,
Of guilt and blaming my destiny,
Why its always me who actually wants to flee.

To settle it once in for all,
Finally its the time to rise, and stop worrying about the fall.
Whats still keeping me buried in that lane..
Finally its time to grow above my pain...

A word called "PASSION".....commitment and dedication...

We grow up old believing in the truth of reality in front of our eyes,
No matter how many times your fall....what makes you the man is all those tries..
To achieve and be some one...instead of fading away ....
And as they say..there is no word as well begun..unless and untill is all said and done..

In the end its all the appreciation and respect you have for the one..
Who actually pushed you to the limit of killing yourself with a gun..
That instinct of going beyond what you have never felt..
The feeling of numbness is till the moment every thing is actually dealt..

You actually compare yourself with the same passion he has till the last run..

Is it enough ?

Sea of expectations has again hit a high tide of emotions..
Again and again its the explanations carrying the burden of situations..
Being silent at times reminds me of another face , which obviously is difficult to trace..
Battered and bruised ..but still haplessly trying to keep up with the pace..

I search in me for you...illusion ed in the belief of truth..
As it may appear and feel it to be silk smooth..
Behind the lines..lies a secret of desperation ...
Why am I actually still stuck deep in this position of repetition..

It may seam to be all over ...despite the fact I am anxiously waiting to be felt closer..
Sounds a pretty good deal to avoid a treason..admiring the pictures of what days those were..
Now all of it is left in me as a memory..buried deep inside....inching  for you to see...
There is much more than me to what you actually want with me..   

Death , the only answer for "ANY" CRIME AGAINST WOMEN....

Lost it some where...

Am I guilty of committing a crime of telling a truth of my expectations..

The other way could be to find them yourself..rather than me being stuck up with my hesitations..

I wished again for the cancellation of my wish..is actually in a fix of speaking the word "thanks" for a near miss..

Yes...I admit laughing at me..on me would have been much more than expecting a barter for a kiss..

Call it to be a re run of the previous situation...with me standing up her in a complex situation..

What ever is the word yes had a meaning....it was never with any reason of not having any feeling..

My writing have gone from complex to confused as I always sound like one these days...

Guess..If I could write them off from me....coming back to the old ways of scoring goals..

Is like standing up there infront of each other..with the thinking poles apart..

The only easier way could be digest your food with a big long fart..

People actually recon with handling the toughest of circumstances as an art..

Putting myself in the shoes of being close to that position....makes me feel..I am falling apart..

The question what I ask..if it was never there at start...then why do I still keep hanging up...

Perhaps I am greeted with the most awkward remark...of trying to make up for things every time I drop..

Explanations for the reactions pop when I move my face away from the wining combination...

For the rest of my life...I Ask "Will have to live with the face saving disgrace of not having any hesitation while consideration"??

Up here again...

To be reminded of the fact that "I lovED you"....is a strange on my part..
If I could correct the words...."I lovE you" was always there on the dart..
Needless to repeat it again in here....when you know inside its still not there..
How hard you try to isolate yourself from the world of expectations...I guess with love it always come in pairs..

With eyes close and heavy breath I try to find myself in the crowd..
You are no where in sight..perhaps we were not supposed to be here..
Forced to look on my wrist watch..to find a button to rewind..
For heavens sake I desperately need you before I turn blind..

Feelings are much more hard to express in this state..can barely count the day when we had our first date..
Comparisons are drawn up there on the wall...Which I am desperately trying to crawl..
Hoping against hope of making it up there...to restart my heart..
But I know the truth...may be I am happy this way sinking in slowly as a fading star..

Makes me realize the truth ..I will never be able to find the one to love the way I want..
Only left with the words to mock me on the simplicity of truth...
Explanations were never sufficient to kill the weight of my expectations...
Truth is.....it sank before it started...and as always culprit were the situations...

Complex as it gets....

With the expectations rising to a all time high of every situation...
I find myself in the most complex position of following a tradition...
Every time it is being review with twice the scrutiny...
As if I have been a part of or have committed a mutiny...

Just a simple silly wish to be with someone..
Is often branded with being "decisive" and too soon for the furore to begun..
Has often happened with me..at times..and the juice is simply not worth the squeeze..
But ultimately....you are never understood...usually mistaken and always forbidden..

Some times by the fate and the destiny...
This time it was new, as my own doubted the decision , could also be associated with the plea...
The result is by far too clearly visible..
What I expect is not from the heart....and now just a mere completion of task I wore...

Still do not understand how complex is the reaction of a "yes" or a "no" is..
May be me being too young for planting a kiss to my miss..
Just landed in the controversy from no where near associated to my hesitation...
Let me repeat the words if I may...Was an evening spent in the dream better than asking for a day..?? 

The 13th Rejection.....

.Don't know what it takes to pass the Sunday test in the gurudwara,
Guess what..now I really do believe ..I simply do not have that aura..
Of what it actually takes to clear the big hurdle...
With a history behind me...poking every time for reason "YOU" are here..

I can count the number of tears I roll down my eyes..
Crying like a poor lady..begging for a mercy and a big face of numerous "WHY'S"...
Perhaps this is my fate of so called being the most unwanted and neglected..
It feels as if "I" am some kinda pest who is actually all the more infected..

With a height so small..and body like a big roll..
Family being "so simple"...every one considered us "ORDINARY" out of the poll...
How can I forget the adjective infornt of my "HEAVY" beard...
Reading all this ..you might seem..I am all the more a bit weard..

The introspect of my rejection has been done numerous times...
Taking it easy... not close to the heart is now all repetitive lines...
What if..I wanted you to love me so badly..
I never usually give in to any one..keeping the cards up in close sadly..

This one got four extra lines than the usual stuff...
That's because..I am trying to hide the reason for my late night ourburst..
There is only one question to ask him ..are u not here listening my cries..
When every one around is kicking me up there like a lice..

The "Unwanted" words of being "NOT INTERESTED"......

The numerous rejections in the past have taught me think what it takes to be an "unwanted" one..
Uninvited....and foolish combined in one....looking at the world above you...making your fun...
Off course me standing at the receiving end...uttering those words that its not et all said and done..
Do you hear what I am saying in from there...or is it now you also want to go away and disappear..

I understand your position of fear from my subconscious obnoxious mind..
Most of the time it is this ..that had kept me grounded...looking away else were with a hope to bind..
So called dreams that were actually imagined in the past...yet foreseen..
The hesitation I understand.& so is your position,the truth is.its got all the way more filled with gloomy scenes

Staying afloat and hanging in there does not seem to be an option...
There seems no other way from here....being submerged in without my own oxygen..
Being stuck in the past and unable to move on is my only mistake..
Do I behave as if..I am dragging myself slowly back to the earth from my own moon with a handbag of fate..

I might not have the best shape...or the height or the looks or the money you ever wanted....
Its was an unconditional faith I had in you my one..perhaps that is the reason..I got this..
Simplest and easiest way is to utter the golden words with a phase to move on..
Just a request..of stand up in here with me....and try to repeat the golden word with the view from my eye of what I see....

Rewind yourself......to that hour of having FAITH...

I stand in here facing the wall...trying to figure out the emotions inside me...
Simply not able to see myself..Oh yes...thats the foolishness which describes my present state..that I am trying to set me free...
Moments repeat the lousy story again...me again trying my luck..what else....Is gifted by the pain I hope not in vain..
Perhaps I should never stop writing cursing myself ...of why I gave up on you...have to admit..I was actually never trained..

These were the most beautiful moments that I shared....I might not have been able great to actually explain..
With 90% of my brain occupied with you....and the rest equally distributed to come up with a line how much I love you in that frame..
Sweet as it may seem....obviously has an abrupt association with that face..
With me cursing my time.... and trying to simplify and understand the reason of coming out of that phase..

Cannot is the word I hear aloud around my ears....breaking the monotonous theme of being stuck in the river of destiny..
Have myself to explain and to refrain from going back to the previous state......of investing my oxygen to see.
The future of us together and forever.....such short lived will be my moment of truth..
You caught me off guard..when I was plucking the flower....thinking as my timely ripe fruit....

Sorry state of affairs still continue..taking me back from were I started my prayer to god..
Gift me with a reason if you are there ...challenging the existence of his creation with one word...
If you can listen to my lines and understand what I am going through...
Please ...I beg you to give me someone to love......as if my "ONE" has been specially made by you....

A "THANK YOU" that shaped me.....for my "ONE".....

The sudden outburst of emotions has off lately been a usual practice....
Mixed reactions follow every time I look back for the reason of a missed kiss.....
A laugh with a tear flows down the face...I wonder its been days...
Since I saw you in front of me...holding a "play card"...asking u to love me with 1000 diff ways...

Fate full "Sunday" as I might describe it every time...hoping to break the jinx..
Yes its "you" who has actually pulled me back again with your "lovable" tricks...
Relax ....my "ONE".. You might be unaware of what you have actually done..
It is much more than I requested "GOD" for...keeping my finger's crossed as its well begun...

The smile and the laid back attitude,represents a feeling trying to slowly seep in...
Never felt like this before...as if its all the way me and you going to win...
My lines and words have some sort of a confidence and optimism hidden in them ..thanks to you..
A sigh of relief..is some what visible in the air I breathe...desperately trying to clear the cloud of the blues..

Imagination is the "culprit" here..who actually wants u to fly on it wings...
Forcing and testing my patience time again...strangely holding my hand to "play" with those "love" strings..
Its a never ending desire of having a "perfect" ending of happily ever after...
Finger's crossed and let's pray there are no more twist and turns ...and we reach our destination together..but a tad faster....

Lost Somewhere in "YOU"....

Tried a lot many a times in past to collect myself out from the thought...

Of leaving it there..and intentionally avoiding drag on to avoid a drought...

Again stuck in the viscious circle of "right" and "wrong"...

I do not need an explanation to make me "assume" you are gone....

Completely understand the situation, that these lines and so called word will not do the justice..

To the emotions that still roll down as an outburst...hoping to laid them to rest with a kiss...

Yes..I accept I have lost you to the "unknow"...

Fail to understand why at 2am....I still do "moan"...

And continuously try to replicate the "fact" and "situation".....

Probably to find a reason..to explain my never ending frustration...

These so called "intrusion" clutter my inner self to find the path towards solace.

It has slowly broken down the "belief"....and I know no one will be able to take that "place"...

Desperate measures to keep it alive were unanswered every time....

I am not a stalker ...but had a wish to mix myself in you as "my" lime...

Life full of "irony" has replaced my words of "faith" and "hope"....

You can find me "standing" in there...as you also know I never left you and "drove"...

Scroll down..."you" SHORT MAN........

I know...most of the times I have not been true...
Can't stop...and had to say those words..before I they were for you...
Yes...I accept...it might now feel you strange..
Was not a trick...but its just I wanted you back ..desperately in that frame...

Every now and then..I had to make u realize..
Its not over...and can't you just see me happy behind those blue eyes...
I know..this conversation now will not have any feelings...
Call it to be my "luck"...and the word "forever" now hold no meaning...

Obviously the words used here are all the more outdated..
Repeating the same thing.ever time..with you thinking me being sedated..
Its not the way I wanted myself to react..
Guess..what.it was much easier to say then to travel time back...

The lines though have lost the very essence of being true from my heart...
I know you must have felt..."I must be prepared as the blogger boy is again going to fart"
Its not the emotions that I want me and you to hide..
Let me repeat again..to love and forget some is not that easy..as if you are rolling up the dice... 

Passive Obsession....with a "Red light"...grows everyday...

What makes me write this is the words that I only have in consolation..
Which actually are no where helpful to make me rise up from the disastrous state of isolation..
He only knows who I should beckon and fall upon and seek solace..
I know..you once jokingly said...nothing lasts..and so is the pain behind this phase..

Never did I come back to you..to say..watch me....still stuck up to find a way out from those days..
To the every one I know...this face seems to tell a different a different story..but no longer now it pays..
As they also know you left me in here..with a "sentence" to hang up for a life time..
Blamed my decision....and mockingly said..it was my and my bad craze that will never shine..

In the end it did turn back to normal...all I ever wanted was your patience standing up there..
Its hard to accept..but yes..I was never good enough for you...."mad" is the word..that actually might sound fair..
Obsession with the red light never ends..as I still have my look to the cellphone...
Shaking up my head in the distress..as it was just a "reply"..I admit I did burst out in tears and do.moan..

For that "affection" of belonging that never came...I am sorry if I ever forced you for that..
Present situation is still a bit tricky..but some how I avoid falling flat in front of my parents...admitting I have lost the track..
Of the time and the unsung "words"...who I actually wanted to be my winning score towards your heart..
Hope it may seem to fade away every day...All I wanted to know..are you listening..or patiently waiting for a new start..

Please Understand....

I accept and appreciate what you have gone through...
Holding yourself...at every point...while digesting the truth...
There might be many instances where you would have regrets...
Trust me the best is yet to come...have faith in his behest..

Some situations are best left unsaid...just like that..
Crying is the best form of an emotion..and not at all bad...
It makes you clean that already empty heart in your purse...
He is always there watching you in here with all his trust...

As these times also won't last...too long..
Sing in with the tune..that flows with that song..
No matter how hard you try to explain..
People will not be able to understand what up there in the "frame"...

Does not actually mean you need them to understand...
What you didn't say was the truth..as u wanted him to hold your hand..
A happy face does not lie and hide the inner feelings..
God is busy making some one to "repair" that leaked ceilings...

I do...

Give me the reason once more why should I love you...
I know its not you ..who have made me what I never wanted to....
May be this time ..I might get lucky to find a meaning...
Or is it I am hoping against hope for a new begining...

What ever may be the case...its the wait that has given me the strenght..
That you will come back..to hold me at that bend..
The words might feel..I am already deep in you...
Let me repeat it again....I only need to listen those words "I really do"

I have waited patiently for months to have the courage to say "hi"...
Held my heart strong...but was even prepared to hear and aceept "bye"...
The worst could have been to vanish without a try...
Let's get together ...and trust me..I will never let you cry...

Perhaps the words and the feeling never sounded so intense..
Yes..I have always wanted you like this...in every sense..
I hope u can listen me what I have never said to you..
We can be the best for each other....and please believe me when I say "I DO"

You My fruit....is the reason :)

Amazing is the feeling when I talk to you.....through my blog..
Feels as if..you are next here with me..holding you new prop..
Stuck in my own world of "imagination"...only to be with my "One"....
Some times I feel..how could you never realized missing all the fun..

With the "plan" all freezed...to perfection...and  trust me..a mere "kiss" will not be just for an "observation"..
Much more are in the store for expectations....if you could feel what I wanted to say in this situation..
Moving towards the "next"...has been some what  become a most obvious reason to find "you"..
Every time the "face" changes me to remind me.....what if...I would have said to you "I do"..

We would have been together from last summer...completing a year..
Before you ask...I would say "yes" remembering the past does hurt...and grapples me in fear...
As I say it to you..a tear rolls down my cheek in despair ....with a wish in my heart..
Hoping against hope of having my dream to actually realize.....as if it was love from the very start..

My so called state...might be a sad one...I feel broken and bruised..unable to accept the truth and move on..
But still...I am crawling at my pace to reach the end.....only to have a glimpse of you..
For me...it has always been the your love..which  has sounded up close to the truth...
What if..I was not able to taste your love as my own fruit...

Wear my shoes...you STUPID..LITTLE IDIOT "DILMEET"...

That is the reason I get....with people begging me to put me in their shoes and realize..
What they have gone through in thier life....."Stressing" on the fact..dont worry just throw the dice..
As always usually..people think and consider me as their mice..
Pulling the plug ..moving away...with the most "abnoxious" reasons..handing me their slice..

Off course..none of my "prospective" one came to offer a reason..why not me ??
Me being a stupid little idiot posed myself with many names...requesting me to set free..
So far none of this has happened to ...except for me still looking at the "tree"..
I question myself...When it actually start ??..I replied it was a "stone" being thrown...cursing me..

Used to being "symbolically"..called a poor soul...seeking his blessing's and requesting to stop ignore..
The way I have always given you my heart out..expecting some thing in return was the only mess that put me doubt..
I know..I could not have ever made you understand...
How I actually feel....sinking slowly deep inside the sand..

Worst thing I could do is to come back to you as a consolation prize..
Lucky it may seem to you..but to be true it never felt me nice..
Considering myself as a prized possesion if the feeling I ever wanted you to have for me..
Dropping off was an easy option fro you....else you would have been here....chosing the words for my destiny..

Its all over me..

Every wondered what "IF" I would not have been a part of this story..
Trust me..it would have not made much of a difference by bringing in the much famed glory..
Its the "patience" tested time and again..which gets better of me..
Easiest way to forget is blaming the destiny....and set worries free..

This too has happened a lot many times..and need not deserve an explanation which seek attention..
A humble request is to please pray and think..before the words are spoken without a sanction..
I am not here to judge you by the mere facts...but yes..I might have my own way to narrate the truth...
Call it to be selfish and modified version of reality....and.that's how..I always come out from the woods...

Nevertheless....its the failure again..don't get angry ..but please accept this my miss..
With the reason's that define the world around me..sinking me and my family..deep inside with agony..
What else we can expect..but to accept..I am not good for any one...digesting the "word" with no regrets..
If you would have heard and felt..what I never said..all this is a myth pushing me near my death..

Say it to be other way round..the actions have some how..made me near the edge of self destruction..
Its all the more rules of the "GAME"..blaming it..and moving on with a self elation..
To Laugh is the only adjective and expression I have....explaining my present state...
So much easy is to make use of the "FATE"....to forget that "FATE FULL DATE"...

Just a small stupid wish..of letting you go....

The week ends are now hard to pass by..
Looking myself in the mirror with a face that is about to cry..
Searching my phone book..and drafting a message ..in my head to explain it to you of giving  it a try..
Every time I come up with some thing...you broke me again..signing me off with a last good bye..

Can call it to be my problem that I always come running to you..
Tossing of my self respect....by acknowledging being stuck up in my blues..
I eventually ask myself..how could it be you ?? who changed so soon for good..
Usually I am reminded by others.. "move on my friend..its over"..its high time you realize the truth..

The more I introspect for the reason of falling us apart....it makes me think..
How come you go away from me....just as a blink..
Wish the time taken to explain could actually be short as my memory..
 But that was and is not the case to be..

Tried a lot to make things work..by sacrificing myself as per your own world..
It some how went in disarray .....eloping away with my own bird..
Some how..if I could make you go away from me..
I would be much more than happy to have loved and lost you....and still believe in my destiny..