The 13th Rejection.....

.Don't know what it takes to pass the Sunday test in the gurudwara,
Guess what..now I really do believe ..I simply do not have that aura..
Of what it actually takes to clear the big hurdle...
With a history behind me...poking every time for reason "YOU" are here..

I can count the number of tears I roll down my eyes..
Crying like a poor lady..begging for a mercy and a big face of numerous "WHY'S"...
Perhaps this is my fate of so called being the most unwanted and neglected..
It feels as if "I" am some kinda pest who is actually all the more infected..

With a height so small..and body like a big roll..
Family being "so simple"...every one considered us "ORDINARY" out of the poll...
How can I forget the adjective infornt of my "HEAVY" beard...
Reading all this ..you might seem..I am all the more a bit weard..

The introspect of my rejection has been done numerous times...
Taking it easy... not close to the heart is now all repetitive lines...
What if..I wanted you to love me so badly..
I never usually give in to any one..keeping the cards up in close sadly..

This one got four extra lines than the usual stuff...
That's because..I am trying to hide the reason for my late night ourburst..
There is only one question to ask him ..are u not here listening my cries..
When every one around is kicking me up there like a lice..

The "Unwanted" words of being "NOT INTERESTED"......

The numerous rejections in the past have taught me think what it takes to be an "unwanted" one..
Uninvited....and foolish combined in one....looking at the world above you...making your fun...
Off course me standing at the receiving end...uttering those words that its not et all said and done..
Do you hear what I am saying in from there...or is it now you also want to go away and disappear..

I understand your position of fear from my subconscious obnoxious mind..
Most of the time it is this ..that had kept me grounded...looking away else were with a hope to bind..
So called dreams that were actually imagined in the past...yet foreseen..
The hesitation I understand.& so is your position,the truth is.its got all the way more filled with gloomy scenes

Staying afloat and hanging in there does not seem to be an option...
There seems no other way from here....being submerged in without my own oxygen..
Being stuck in the past and unable to move on is my only mistake..
Do I behave as if..I am dragging myself slowly back to the earth from my own moon with a handbag of fate..

I might not have the best shape...or the height or the looks or the money you ever wanted....
Its was an unconditional faith I had in you my one..perhaps that is the reason..I got this..
Simplest and easiest way is to utter the golden words with a phase to move on..
Just a request..of stand up in here with me....and try to repeat the golden word with the view from my eye of what I see....

Rewind yourself......to that hour of having FAITH...

I stand in here facing the wall...trying to figure out the emotions inside me...
Simply not able to see myself..Oh yes...thats the foolishness which describes my present state..that I am trying to set me free...
Moments repeat the lousy story again...me again trying my luck..what else....Is gifted by the pain I hope not in vain..
Perhaps I should never stop writing cursing myself ...of why I gave up on you...have to admit..I was actually never trained..

These were the most beautiful moments that I shared....I might not have been able great to actually explain..
With 90% of my brain occupied with you....and the rest equally distributed to come up with a line how much I love you in that frame..
Sweet as it may seem....obviously has an abrupt association with that face..
With me cursing my time.... and trying to simplify and understand the reason of coming out of that phase..

Cannot is the word I hear aloud around my ears....breaking the monotonous theme of being stuck in the river of destiny..
Have myself to explain and to refrain from going back to the previous state......of investing my oxygen to see.
The future of us together and forever.....such short lived will be my moment of truth..
You caught me off guard..when I was plucking the flower....thinking as my timely ripe fruit....

Sorry state of affairs still continue..taking me back from were I started my prayer to god..
Gift me with a reason if you are there ...challenging the existence of his creation with one word...
If you can listen to my lines and understand what I am going through...
Please ...I beg you to give me someone to love......as if my "ONE" has been specially made by you....

A "THANK YOU" that shaped me.....for my "ONE".....

The sudden outburst of emotions has off lately been a usual practice....
Mixed reactions follow every time I look back for the reason of a missed kiss.....
A laugh with a tear flows down the face...I wonder its been days...
Since I saw you in front of me...holding a "play card"...asking u to love me with 1000 diff ways...

Fate full "Sunday" as I might describe it every time...hoping to break the jinx..
Yes its "you" who has actually pulled me back again with your "lovable" tricks...
Relax ....my "ONE".. You might be unaware of what you have actually done..
It is much more than I requested "GOD" for...keeping my finger's crossed as its well begun...

The smile and the laid back attitude,represents a feeling trying to slowly seep in...
Never felt like this before...as if its all the way me and you going to win...
My lines and words have some sort of a confidence and optimism hidden in them ..thanks to you..
A sigh of relief..is some what visible in the air I breathe...desperately trying to clear the cloud of the blues..

Imagination is the "culprit" here..who actually wants u to fly on it wings...
Forcing and testing my patience time again...strangely holding my hand to "play" with those "love" strings..
Its a never ending desire of having a "perfect" ending of happily ever after...
Finger's crossed and let's pray there are no more twist and turns ...and we reach our destination together..but a tad faster....

Lost Somewhere in "YOU"....

Tried a lot many a times in past to collect myself out from the thought...

Of leaving it there..and intentionally avoiding drag on to avoid a drought...

Again stuck in the viscious circle of "right" and "wrong"...

I do not need an explanation to make me "assume" you are gone....

Completely understand the situation, that these lines and so called word will not do the justice..

To the emotions that still roll down as an outburst...hoping to laid them to rest with a kiss...

Yes..I accept I have lost you to the "unknow"...

Fail to understand why at 2am....I still do "moan"...

And continuously try to replicate the "fact" and "situation".....

Probably to find a reason..to explain my never ending frustration...

These so called "intrusion" clutter my inner self to find the path towards solace.

It has slowly broken down the "belief"....and I know no one will be able to take that "place"...

Desperate measures to keep it alive were unanswered every time....

I am not a stalker ...but had a wish to mix myself in you as "my" lime...

Life full of "irony" has replaced my words of "faith" and "hope"....

You can find me "standing" in there...as you also know I never left you and "drove"...

Scroll down..."you" SHORT MAN........

I know...most of the times I have not been true...
Can't stop...and had to say those words..before I they were for you...
Yes...I accept...it might now feel you strange..
Was not a trick...but its just I wanted you back ..desperately in that frame...

Every now and then..I had to make u realize..
Its not over...and can't you just see me happy behind those blue eyes...
I know..this conversation now will not have any feelings...
Call it to be my "luck"...and the word "forever" now hold no meaning...

Obviously the words used here are all the more outdated..
Repeating the same thing.ever time..with you thinking me being sedated..
Its not the way I wanted myself to react..
Guess..what.it was much easier to say then to travel time back...

The lines though have lost the very essence of being true from my heart...
I know you must have felt..."I must be prepared as the blogger boy is again going to fart"
Its not the emotions that I want me and you to hide..
Let me repeat again..to love and forget some is not that easy..as if you are rolling up the dice... 

Passive Obsession....with a "Red light"...grows everyday...

What makes me write this is the words that I only have in consolation..
Which actually are no where helpful to make me rise up from the disastrous state of isolation..
He only knows who I should beckon and fall upon and seek solace..
I know..you once jokingly said...nothing lasts..and so is the pain behind this phase..

Never did I come back to you..to say..watch me....still stuck up to find a way out from those days..
To the every one I know...this face seems to tell a different a different story..but no longer now it pays..
As they also know you left me in here..with a "sentence" to hang up for a life time..
Blamed my decision....and mockingly said..it was my and my bad craze that will never shine..

In the end it did turn back to normal...all I ever wanted was your patience standing up there..
Its hard to accept..but yes..I was never good enough for you...."mad" is the word..that actually might sound fair..
Obsession with the red light never ends..as I still have my look to the cellphone...
Shaking up my head in the distress..as it was just a "reply"..I admit I did burst out in tears and do.moan..

For that "affection" of belonging that never came...I am sorry if I ever forced you for that..
Present situation is still a bit tricky..but some how I avoid falling flat in front of my parents...admitting I have lost the track..
Of the time and the unsung "words"...who I actually wanted to be my winning score towards your heart..
Hope it may seem to fade away every day...All I wanted to know..are you listening..or patiently waiting for a new start..

Please Understand....

I accept and appreciate what you have gone through...
Holding yourself...at every point...while digesting the truth...
There might be many instances where you would have regrets...
Trust me the best is yet to come...have faith in his behest..

Some situations are best left unsaid...just like that..
Crying is the best form of an emotion..and not at all bad...
It makes you clean that already empty heart in your purse...
He is always there watching you in here with all his trust...

As these times also won't last...too long..
Sing in with the tune..that flows with that song..
No matter how hard you try to explain..
People will not be able to understand what up there in the "frame"...

Does not actually mean you need them to understand...
What you didn't say was the truth..as u wanted him to hold your hand..
A happy face does not lie and hide the inner feelings..
God is busy making some one to "repair" that leaked ceilings...

I do...

Give me the reason once more why should I love you...
I know its not you ..who have made me what I never wanted to....
May be this time ..I might get lucky to find a meaning...
Or is it I am hoping against hope for a new begining...

What ever may be the case...its the wait that has given me the strenght..
That you will come back..to hold me at that bend..
The words might feel..I am already deep in you...
Let me repeat it again....I only need to listen those words "I really do"

I have waited patiently for months to have the courage to say "hi"...
Held my heart strong...but was even prepared to hear and aceept "bye"...
The worst could have been to vanish without a try...
Let's get together ...and trust me..I will never let you cry...

Perhaps the words and the feeling never sounded so intense..
Yes..I have always wanted you like this...in every sense..
I hope u can listen me what I have never said to you..
We can be the best for each other....and please believe me when I say "I DO"

You My fruit....is the reason :)

Amazing is the feeling when I talk to you.....through my blog..
Feels as if..you are next here with me..holding you new prop..
Stuck in my own world of "imagination"...only to be with my "One"....
Some times I feel..how could you never realized missing all the fun..

With the "plan" all freezed...to perfection...and  trust me..a mere "kiss" will not be just for an "observation"..
Much more are in the store for expectations....if you could feel what I wanted to say in this situation..
Moving towards the "next"...has been some what  become a most obvious reason to find "you"..
Every time the "face" changes me to remind me.....what if...I would have said to you "I do"..

We would have been together from last summer...completing a year..
Before you ask...I would say "yes" remembering the past does hurt...and grapples me in fear...
As I say it to you..a tear rolls down my cheek in despair ....with a wish in my heart..
Hoping against hope of having my dream to actually realize.....as if it was love from the very start..

My so called state...might be a sad one...I feel broken and bruised..unable to accept the truth and move on..
But still...I am crawling at my pace to reach the end.....only to have a glimpse of you..
For me...it has always been the your love..which  has sounded up close to the truth...
What if..I was not able to taste your love as my own fruit...